How I almost lost my Christmas Spirit

Contrary to what many people who know me think; I have bad mommy moments. I get very tired. I get stressed and frustrated pacing the floor with Zack all night. I really do get sad and depressed…I’m not supermom. I’ll admit that I had high hopes for the holidays. I was so excited to have our oldest son home from school and really have some quality time alone with him. I had planned so much; laserquest, movies, Pokemon battles, you name it! I had even arranged for Zack’s nurse to come each morning so that this could be Ty and Mommy time. Having three kids is a juggling act, no doubt. Throw in Zack’s medical needs and on a daily basis, I feel that my other two boys don’t get the attention that they deserve.  So this week, was a way to get that back, to make it up to them and feel better about giving time to them alone. Then it happened…the way many things happen when you have a medically fragile child.  Your plans change.  I have to admit that Tuesday was a very rough day and I totally lost my Christmas Spirit! Zack had been getting bad with a horrible cough again. After a long night with a high fever, I took Zack to emerg again wondering if we would be staying over the holidays. It seemed ironic to me that after collecting toys for the kids in the hospital, would we be the ones receiving them? I cried for the entire time I was in the hospital. My plans to spend time with Ty had been yet again thwarted by Zack’s needs…and while I will stop at nothing to do what he needs to keep him healthy…this time with Ty was precious too. I was bummed. I felt guilty and cheated. I felt like a horrible mommy. After spending the day in the hospital, with xrays and our favorite nurses, Zack was diagnosed with the start of pneumonia. He started to seem better near the end of the day and I decided to take him home with new medicines to try. When we got home, he spiked another fever, wouldn’t let me put him down for a minute and I worried that I should have kept him at the hospital.  A glass of wine (or two) later and he had finally fallen asleep and I had hardly spent a moment with my other two sons. The next day…my Christmas spirit had started to return with the help of Zack’s amazing nurse!  She arrived to allow me some time with Ty!  I was so excited for 3 precious hours to escape with my beautiful first born! What a difference a day makes! How could I have forgotten that for the entire month, we have been celebrating? How could one bad day have allowed me to forget all the amazing ways we have felt the spirit of Christmas for the last several weeks? Then it began to come back to me… Christmas was at Jayden’s first school concert and in his homemade ornament! Christmas was collecting toys and bringing them down to SickKids and hearing Ty say “I’m doing this to say thank you because SickKids saved my brother Zackie”! Christmas was seeing our beautiful Zack walk after 3 long years of working toward that goal. Christmas was in the silly video card we emailed to our friends and family! Christmas was in seeing Zack’s smile come back in spite of the difficulty he has breathing. Christmas was watching the Grinch everyday and finding one more little thing that makes us laugh. Christmas was waking up to Ty delivering me red carnations he hid under his brother’s crib…that he bought by himself during our trip together at the grocery store. Christmas was having my wonderful husband take our sons this morning so I could have some time. Christmas was watching the excitement in Jayden’s eyes since November, each time he dressed up and “became” Santa. Merry Christmas to you and your family.  May you always remember what makes this holiday so special.

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