Don’t Pee in the Pool…!!!

So I decided to “bite the bullet” as they say and go bathing suit shopping…What the hell was I thinking!!! I now have decided I am never swimming again. Nor am I never taking my clothes off in fluorescent lighting again. So after my catastrophic shopping trip I decide to do some research on how to buy the “right suit for my body type”…what is my body type? Ugh don’t answer that. During my research I learned a lot of interesting shopping tips. For example, one “Fashion Expert” will tell you to pick a print that compliments your hair and eyes. My hair and my eyes? I was thinking more my ass and my thighs! Then there was the tip on NOT going shopping on a full stomach. Oh….so that’s been my problem all this time. Then there’s the genius who tells you to bring a close friend for a second opinion. Not sure how close we’ll be after I subject her to “Cirque De Cellulite”. Finally I am supposed to Close My Eyes To Size. Nope..Can’t do it, wish I could, but I can’t. I finally decided that there is actually something and someone I can blame my messed up body image on…and I am thinking of taking legal action…The “Mind” crime was committed back in the fall of 1991 when Pamela Anderson appeared on Baywatch in the high cut red onepiece. After that day every woman was doomed to a life a bathing suit hell. I think I have a case… So to forget about this ordeal I have decided to mix myself a cocktail and concentrate on my body parts that I love. I am now doing research on how to play up my earlobes… SEX ON THE BEACH…in a muu 2 oz Citrus Vodka 2 oz un-sweetend cranberry juice 2 oz pineapple juice 1 cup ice Shake all ingredients together and strain into a large glass filled with ice. Garnish with a slight BUZZZZZZZ….. This cocktail has a 2 drink MINIMUM! Mix up a couple of these while your marinating in your sinscreen, trying to tie your sarong, and wondering why a black bikini is NOT slimming. Then hit the beach with attitude and confidence,and,of course suck in everything that can possibly be sucked…(breathing is not an option)

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