Saddest 48 Hours Of My Life

Two days ago I went in for my 8 week appointment with my OB. I had to bring along 3 of the kiddo’s because hubby was at work. Trying to keep that many kids happy was quite a feat. But I was ok with it because I was getting to see my OB , who I love, and getting to hear/see my littles heartbeat. I brought them in with me because they wanted to see as well. My doctor got all the un-fun things out of the way like the testing and breast exam and all the other things that comes with a first OB appointment.

Finally after what seemed like forever it was time to see my baby. The doctor did a vaginal ultra sound because at this stage it’s the easiest way of seeing a little heartbeat and make sure there is only one baby in there. I was kinda watching him while trying to quiet the children who were getting a bit restless. The doctor looked at the monitor for what seemed like forever. He then very quietly said “I don’t see a heartbeat Amanda”. I didn’t panic at first. I mean surly he just wasn’t seeing it. I mean it had to be there. I again told the other children to quiet down. Then finally had to ask them to leave the room for a couple minutes. After they had left the doctor said again “There is no heartbeat, I’m sorry” I asked “could you have missed it?” As he started to put everything away he said he felt like he got a good look.

He started into the speech of how it was nothing I did wrong, but I couldn’t really understand the words that were coming out of his mouth. My head was spinning and I had tears streaming down my face. How could this be happening? I’ve got 4 healthy children, I’ve never had a miscarriage  before.  He then started to list my options. I would miscarry naturally, ,let nature and my body do the work to expel the baby. Take a medication that I would insert into my vagina to cause my body to expel the baby. Go to the hospital for a D&C, where the doctor puts me to sleep and then takes all the tissue and baby out during a surgery. He then said that he could send me to the hospital for another ultra sound, not because he thought the results would be different but to give me peace of mind. I jumped at the chance. I knew the hospitals machines were better then the ones in the office.

Holding onto a hope and a prayer I called my husband (who was home from work now) and told him to meet me at the hospital. He said “OH GOD!Whats wrong!” I explained to him about the doctors office and how I wanted to go to the hospital on the off chance he had been wrong and there was a heartbeat still. Since my husband was at home I just decided to pick him up on my way to the hospital. We got there and got into the room and the tech started the scan.

I was hardly breathing, I could see my little baby on the screen. Surly  s/he was ok. This wasn’t really happening to me. I mean I had just started a pregnancy book for my little baby. Documenting each week. I was going to put a ultrasound picture in that book and write how excited I was to meet them. As I’m laying there with all this going through my head my little 2 year old some how fell off the chair she was sitting on and gave herself a huge goose egg! We had to stop the ultrasound to get her ice and calm her down long enough to finish the scan. When the tech came back with ice and Mia was settled we started again. I asked her if she saw a heartbeat. She said that technically she wasn’t aloud to tell me, but she did agree with that my doctor had already told me.

After the scan was over we were sent to the ER because of Mia’s head and her getting hurt in the hospital. We ended up having to stay for nearly two hour while they watched her to make sure everything was ok. But this point I was so drained and it was about 2. No one had eaten lunch and all the kids were super crabby. On the way home I got a call asking me what I wanted to do. I decided on a D&C because to me it was the quickest less painful option I had. I didn’t want to go through the pain physically or emotionally of passing the baby on my own at home.

The next day we were off to the hospital. I was pretty numb at this point. I would cry from time to time, but I was also trying to look to the future. Plus I think deep down I was hoping I was still dreaming and anytime now I would wake up. It was moments when the nurses asked all their questions like “could you be pregnant” that made me want to scream at them. “CAN’T YOU READ??? MY BABY DIED!! THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!” But I knew they were only doing their job. It still brought back all the pain though.

The surgery itself was not that bad. I remember being woken up and thinking that was fast. But then I felt the gushing of blood and I knew that my baby was truly gone. My poor sweet baby was no longer inside me. I broke down there in recovery. My cheeks and neck were soaked. They gave me something for pain and sent me to my room to get dressed and meet up with my husband. I couldn’t help but feel I had done something wrong. Maybe I could have done something differently.

This all started on Thursday 2/27 it is now Saturday 3/1 and I have almost no pain or bleeding and I still feel like I’m in a dream. Like I will wake up and think wow that dream sucked. I wouldn’t have had to tell my friends and family that I lost the baby. Worst of all I wouldn’t have to explain the the children that their sibling had gone away. My husband best explained it to our 5 year old as they both sat there crying ” It’s ok buddy, the baby just wasn’t ready to meet us yet. Mommy with have another baby when the baby is ready to meet us”

I wanted to right this because If I had had a full term baby I would have written a birth story for that baby. So even though this isn’t the story I wanted to be writing it is my babies story non the less. I want my baby to be remembered. We will try again for our rainbow baby when we are cleared to. When I become pregnant it will be a happy time. I just hope I will be writing a birth story instead.

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This is me on the couch and all the kids decided I needed their stuffed animals to make me feel better. My 2 year old Mia was the sweetest since she gave me Minnie. NO ONE gets Minnie, she then kissed all my owies. I love my kids so much and I am truly blessed to have a family that supports me so well.

 

Comments (33)

  • I am so sorry for your loss! How sweet of your daughter, though, to comfort Mommy like that!

    HEIDI CARLSON-REID
    Reply
  • Oh, Amanda! I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who has experienced this before, I know how painful this is. Sending you lots of hugs. xoxo

    So sweet of Mia to comfort her mom when mommy needs it the most.

  • so sorry for your loss. thanks for having the courage to share such a private experience.

    charity konrath
    Reply
  • Wow. Thank you for sharing your story.. your courage will hopefully be able to help another going through the same pain. I am sorry for your loss ♥

    Suzie Babij
    Reply
  • im so sorry for your loss.

    amy lovell
    Reply
  • Amanda, I am so very sorry for your loss. Positive thoughts and a big hug to you.

    Take care.

    Reply
  • I am so sorry for your loss. I have had five miscarriages and each one hurts in a way that is hard to explain. That baby is just a part of you. Lots of well wishes to you and hugs.

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  • I’m so, so sorry for your loss Amanda. I’m sending you a virtual *hug*.

    Janine Streiter
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  • Amanda – my deepest sympathies.
    I have had 2 miscarriages, one of which was a 2nd trimester loss so I know very well how hard it is.
    My thoughts go out to you and your family during this time.

    Reply
  • So sorry for your pain. I had a miscarriage also. My prayers go out to you and your family.

    Michele I
    Reply
  • So sorry for your loss. I selfishly get a bit scared to try for our third baby because we’ve had no problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant when I know so many who’ve suffered losses and have had lots of problems with pregnancy. I hope you find comfort and strength.

    Reply
  • Sending much love, strength and support your way. So sorry for your loss.

    Nicole King
    Reply
  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I am crying reading this story. It hits close home for, I never had a miscarriage, but I did have an ectopic at 10 weeks. I found out the same day that I was pregnant, had an ultrasound where it looked fine and was just in the wrong spot. I had emergency surgery that night. Nobody truly understands this loss until you’ve experienced it first hand. I am sending you hugs and prayers. Take the time you need to grieve, I am two years out from my loss and I still cry about it. It is hard to lose something so innocent. May you find strength and enjoy the children you have and take that extra time to take care of you. <3 hugs. thank you for being so brave to share your story.

    Ashley Avelar
    Reply
  • I’m so sorry Amanda. I’ve miscarried as well. Hugs and support.

    Reply
  • I am so sorry for your loss! Sending strength.

    Reply
  • So sorry for your loss. So proud of you for writing it out here. It’s such a hush-hush and almost taboo subject. It took me a while to write about mine. I found out at almost 17 weeks.

    Thinking of you and your family.

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. 🙁 Hugs and prayers sent your way!

    Kristin McKinley
    Reply
  • I am sorry you had to go through this. Your story hit home. I too lost my little girl but at 2 days shy of 24 weeks. It has been a little over a year but there is not a day that I do not think about her.

    Elica Palacek
    Reply
  • I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also a wee bit impressed that you were able to juggle all the kids at your appointment while this was happening. I think your husband handled things beautifully with your son.

    Reply
  • Amanda there are no words as I sit here bawling for you, my heart aches for you and your loss. I miscarried at six months, and I’m glad you chose a D&C I was dumb and did what my doc ordered natural passing at home, ended up with a D&C and mental breakdown after. I love your husband’s words, I remember telling my son the same thing, she just wasn’t yet ready to meet you I told him. You will never forget, you will heal, you will have happier times, for now just take of you and know you did nothing wrong, though I understand more than you know why that feeling invades you, but you didn’t. My thoughts are prayers for your little one are sent to you and your family. You are courageous for sharing your story and it helps more than you know for others to read your grief. Big hugs darling,,, xoxo

    Reply
  • My heart breaks for you Amanda. I can only imagine what you’re feeling. No one should have to go through his but luckily, you have a loving and supporting family surrounding you. You’re very brave for sharing our story. If only so others don’t feel alone. Hugs

    Reply
  • Hugs! i can’t imagine!

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  • Amanda, I have no great words of comfort, just to tell you I am sorry for the loss your family has shared, and to send you a virtual ((HUG)) ~ Mish.

    Reply
  • Oh darling. It is so hard. We lost our #3 baby, same type of story, but we found out at 14 weeks. 2 weeks of waiting “to be sure” and a messy d&c.
    we now have our number 3.5 and he is lovely and the perfect little addition to our family.

    Things happen that open our eyes to stories we never knew existed. Having the opportunity to understand the feelings of miscarriage will only make you a better mother, and better friend. As they say, you can’;t understand unless you have experienced it.

    And good for you for putting this down. Recognize the little life that was lost. We bought a beautiful bird bath in memory of our loss, and it will always be quietly standing over our garden, and a part of our world.

    Good luck to you…

    Reply
  • I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. I went through it twice. It is never easy. I’ll send a virtual *hug* from a kindred spirit.

  • Sorry to hear about your loss. I love Daddys explaination, he is absolutely right

  • I am so sorry you had to go through this. Wishing you strength and love through this difficult time.

    Victoria Sit
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  • Sorry for your loss- truly tragic. Praying for your family.

    Joni P
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  • I understand exactly what you are currently experiencing. I lost my first baby 6 years ago and to this day I still think of him/her and get a little emotional. But at the time it was the most horrific thing I could ever imagine happening! You are courageous for writing about this happening. Not because the world need to say sorry for your loss but to highlight that this does happen and it ROYALLY SUCKS! Now I have two beautiful daughters and could not imagine my life without them….the time will come for your body to carry another baby, and a time will come when your head will comprehend this tremendous loss and when that happens your angel in the sky will watch over your family and smile knowing that everything is the way it is suppose to be….so my advice ….cry, and take time to name this little angel ( mine is Ezekiel) and let them be apart of you for as long as you need to have them there! Thank you!

    Michelle Conduah
    Reply
  • My heart was breaking for you while I read your story. I had a miscarriage in early sept 2012. It was my second pregnancy, and we lost the baby at 11 weeks which started as spotting. I remember feeling so numb and in a dream like state like you described.
    We found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby dec 31 2012 and she was born sept 2013, about a year and a week after our miscarriage.
    We still think back and I believe she just wasn’t ready to meet us yet. One day soon, you’ll be holding that baby. Stay strong, cry as much as you need to and the hugs from your older babies will help heal everything!!!

    Lindsay
    Reply
  • I had a miscarriage this morning and know exactly what you are going through… It was so weird to see this post tonight while I was browsing the net to get my mind off things. I am sending you all my prayers. We will make it through this stronger and more loving

    Natalie
    Reply
  • I am so sorry for your loss but I want to thank you. Your husbands words of “the baby wasn’t ready to meet us yet” has just brought me peace. I had a miscarriage and then became pregnant with my now 8 month old son 3 months afterwards. I think about the list baby almost daily but I feel guilty to think “what if” because I am so blessed with my little one. But to think the lost baby was my boy who just “wasn’t ready” helps so much. My thoughts are with you and the little “waiting” angel.

    Maria
    Reply
  • I was told at 5.5 weeks, that I had lost a baby. After 5 ultrasounds, I was told I still had babies “A”, “B”, and “C”. At 12 weeks, I was told that “C” had been absorbed. I currently have 5.5 year old twinado’s, that are happy and healthy, but it was a struggle to get them to age two. I still wonder, what might have been. Who were they? Boy’s or girls? You never get over the loss. They are part of you. They always will be.

    LeeAnne Gould
    Reply

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