Two days ago I went in for my 8 week appointment with my OB. I had to bring along 3 of the kiddo’s because hubby was at work. Trying to keep that many kids happy was quite a feat. But I was ok with it because I was getting to see my OB , who I love, and getting to hear/see my littles heartbeat. I brought them in with me because they wanted to see as well. My doctor got all the un-fun things out of the way like the testing and breast exam and all the other things that comes with a first OB appointment.
Finally after what seemed like forever it was time to see my baby. The doctor did a vaginal ultra sound because at this stage it’s the easiest way of seeing a little heartbeat and make sure there is only one baby in there. I was kinda watching him while trying to quiet the children who were getting a bit restless. The doctor looked at the monitor for what seemed like forever. He then very quietly said “I don’t see a heartbeat Amanda”. I didn’t panic at first. I mean surly he just wasn’t seeing it. I mean it had to be there. I again told the other children to quiet down. Then finally had to ask them to leave the room for a couple minutes. After they had left the doctor said again “There is no heartbeat, I’m sorry” I asked “could you have missed it?” As he started to put everything away he said he felt like he got a good look.
He started into the speech of how it was nothing I did wrong, but I couldn’t really understand the words that were coming out of his mouth. My head was spinning and I had tears streaming down my face. How could this be happening? I’ve got 4 healthy children, I’ve never had a miscarriage before. He then started to list my options. I would miscarry naturally, ,let nature and my body do the work to expel the baby. Take a medication that I would insert into my vagina to cause my body to expel the baby. Go to the hospital for a D&C, where the doctor puts me to sleep and then takes all the tissue and baby out during a surgery. He then said that he could send me to the hospital for another ultra sound, not because he thought the results would be different but to give me peace of mind. I jumped at the chance. I knew the hospitals machines were better then the ones in the office.
Holding onto a hope and a prayer I called my husband (who was home from work now) and told him to meet me at the hospital. He said “OH GOD!Whats wrong!” I explained to him about the doctors office and how I wanted to go to the hospital on the off chance he had been wrong and there was a heartbeat still. Since my husband was at home I just decided to pick him up on my way to the hospital. We got there and got into the room and the tech started the scan.
I was hardly breathing, I could see my little baby on the screen. Surly s/he was ok. This wasn’t really happening to me. I mean I had just started a pregnancy book for my little baby. Documenting each week. I was going to put a ultrasound picture in that book and write how excited I was to meet them. As I’m laying there with all this going through my head my little 2 year old some how fell off the chair she was sitting on and gave herself a huge goose egg! We had to stop the ultrasound to get her ice and calm her down long enough to finish the scan. When the tech came back with ice and Mia was settled we started again. I asked her if she saw a heartbeat. She said that technically she wasn’t aloud to tell me, but she did agree with that my doctor had already told me.
After the scan was over we were sent to the ER because of Mia’s head and her getting hurt in the hospital. We ended up having to stay for nearly two hour while they watched her to make sure everything was ok. But this point I was so drained and it was about 2. No one had eaten lunch and all the kids were super crabby. On the way home I got a call asking me what I wanted to do. I decided on a D&C because to me it was the quickest less painful option I had. I didn’t want to go through the pain physically or emotionally of passing the baby on my own at home.
The next day we were off to the hospital. I was pretty numb at this point. I would cry from time to time, but I was also trying to look to the future. Plus I think deep down I was hoping I was still dreaming and anytime now I would wake up. It was moments when the nurses asked all their questions like “could you be pregnant” that made me want to scream at them. “CAN’T YOU READ??? MY BABY DIED!! THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!” But I knew they were only doing their job. It still brought back all the pain though.
The surgery itself was not that bad. I remember being woken up and thinking that was fast. But then I felt the gushing of blood and I knew that my baby was truly gone. My poor sweet baby was no longer inside me. I broke down there in recovery. My cheeks and neck were soaked. They gave me something for pain and sent me to my room to get dressed and meet up with my husband. I couldn’t help but feel I had done something wrong. Maybe I could have done something differently.
This all started on Thursday 2/27 it is now Saturday 3/1 and I have almost no pain or bleeding and I still feel like I’m in a dream. Like I will wake up and think wow that dream sucked. I wouldn’t have had to tell my friends and family that I lost the baby. Worst of all I wouldn’t have to explain the the children that their sibling had gone away. My husband best explained it to our 5 year old as they both sat there crying ” It’s ok buddy, the baby just wasn’t ready to meet us yet. Mommy with have another baby when the baby is ready to meet us”
I wanted to right this because If I had had a full term baby I would have written a birth story for that baby. So even though this isn’t the story I wanted to be writing it is my babies story non the less. I want my baby to be remembered. We will try again for our rainbow baby when we are cleared to. When I become pregnant it will be a happy time. I just hope I will be writing a birth story instead.
This is me on the couch and all the kids decided I needed their stuffed animals to make me feel better. My 2 year old Mia was the sweetest since she gave me Minnie. NO ONE gets Minnie, she then kissed all my owies. I love my kids so much and I am truly blessed to have a family that supports me so well.