He Will Be Our Last

Knowing that you are done having children can be an emotional roller coaster. At least for me it is.

I can remember telling my Mom one day when I was younger, that I didn’t want children. “They are loud, they smell and there is NO way a doctor is going to be up in all my lady bits” – Typical preteen?. Even when I was in my teens, I didn’t really want children. I said that if I ever did have children, I would want a c-section rather than giving birth vaginally. The thought scared me.

But then I found out I was pregnant with James – or Peanut as we called him, since we didn’t know the gender, and I was nervous, yet incredibly excited to become a mother.

The day James was born, it was like I was reborn. I was still Alisha – and still am, but I became a mother, and that changes you – all of you.

There I was, a newlywed, and a mother at the age of 22 (going on 23). This precious little being was my entire world. He needed me more than anyone ever had, and I was so lucky to be able to give him that. James transformed my life, and I tell him that everyday.

Then when I got pregnant for the second time, I was elated and over the moon happy! I can remember having some crazy dreams – like positive pregnancy test ones and what not. Sure enough, we were pregnant. But a month later, we found out we lost that sweet bean. I was devastated, but didn’t give up hope that we would conceive again. Little did I know…

February 17th 2012 – A very, VERY faint second pink line showed up on a stick – and the only thing I hoped for was to hear and see a heartbeat at the dating ultrasound. After waiting for what seemed like FOREVER, there was indeed, a healthy, little person in my uterus.

We then found out on June 8th that we were going to be welcoming our second son, Graham. That day in general was crazy. Chris wasn’t able to come to the ultrasound because of work, but my Mum and Dad were able to come. It was just a really, really great day. We held a gender reveal party for friends and family. It was a great way to let everyone know.

The day Graham was born was emotional. I mean, it’s always emotional right?  But for me, it wasn’t just the emotional part of meeting this little being that I helped create, I was also emotional about the fact that Graham’s birth could possibly be my last.

It’s an odd feeling you know – knowing that you will never have another baby. No, really – it wasn’t something I wanted to think about after he was born. I wanted to enjoy the newborn cuddles, and the lack of sleep and watch James take on the role of big brother. But that thought stuck there…I didn’t want to think about it.

It wasn’t until more recently that the thought popped back into my head. “Should we have one more baby?”  Our friends are starting to have children of their own now. Other friends are adding number two or number three – and I sit there with a HUGE smile on my face – so over the moon excited for them, yet inside –  I am sad.

Why?

He will be our last, and I am OK with that.

I am emotional about it. Being 26 years old, and knowing that this is it, well its a lot to take in.

I will not grow another child in my womb. Or experience the magical moment of birth. Nursing will come to an end, and my breasts will no longer be needed. Nourishing two children for almost three years, I will miss it.

I will not have another first giggle or first smile moment. No more roll overs or first steps moments. First words.. the list goes on.

Mama will turn into Mommy and Mommy into Mom.

I will have watched my boys transform from infants into toddlers. Toddlers into preschoolers.Then gradeschoolers into teenagers, and then they will be grown.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way – I should be happy that I have been able to birth two healthy boys, and believe me. I am very blessed to have James and Graham in  my life – but it’s like this chapter is closing for me and I’m not totally ready for it.

Do all Mother’s feel this way when you realize you are done??

There is a yearning there…something I cannot explain.

I guess it’s a good thing that raising a child is never ending… While this chapter is closing for me, I know there are hundreds more to go. So while I am a little sad, I am also eager for the future. Life goes on, and with life, brings change. I most likely will never be pregnant again. Nor will I have a newborn of my own – but I am  looking forward to the first day of Kindergarten, and Disneyland. New milestones that come with growing up.

So while I will be saying goodbye to nursing bras, and sleepless night, I can say hello to this new juncture in my life.

Ready, set… go.