He Will Be Our Last

Knowing that you are done having children can be an emotional roller coaster. At least for me it is.

I can remember telling my Mom one day when I was younger, that I didn’t want children. “They are loud, they smell and there is NO way a doctor is going to be up in all my lady bits” – Typical preteen?. Even when I was in my teens, I didn’t really want children. I said that if I ever did have children, I would want a c-section rather than giving birth vaginally. The thought scared me.

But then I found out I was pregnant with James – or Peanut as we called him, since we didn’t know the gender, and I was nervous, yet incredibly excited to become a mother.

The day James was born, it was like I was reborn. I was still Alisha – and still am, but I became a mother, and that changes you – all of you.

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There I was, a newlywed, and a mother at the age of 22 (going on 23). This precious little being was my entire world. He needed me more than anyone ever had, and I was so lucky to be able to give him that. James transformed my life, and I tell him that everyday.

Then when I got pregnant for the second time, I was elated and over the moon happy! I can remember having some crazy dreams – like positive pregnancy test ones and what not. Sure enough, we were pregnant. But a month later, we found out we lost that sweet bean. I was devastated, but didn’t give up hope that we would conceive again. Little did I know…

February 17th 2012 – A very, VERY faint second pink line showed up on a stick – and the only thing I hoped for was to hear and see a heartbeat at the dating ultrasound. After waiting for what seemed like FOREVER, there was indeed, a healthy, little person in my uterus.

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We then found out on June 8th that we were going to be welcoming our second son, Graham. That day in general was crazy. Chris wasn’t able to come to the ultrasound because of work, but my Mum and Dad were able to come. It was just a really, really great day. We held a gender reveal party for friends and family. It was a great way to let everyone know.

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The day Graham was born was emotional. I mean, it’s always emotional right?  But for me, it wasn’t just the emotional part of meeting this little being that I helped create, I was also emotional about the fact that Graham’s birth could possibly be my last.

It’s an odd feeling you know – knowing that you will never have another baby. No, really – it wasn’t something I wanted to think about after he was born. I wanted to enjoy the newborn cuddles, and the lack of sleep and watch James take on the role of big brother. But that thought stuck there…I didn’t want to think about it.

It wasn’t until more recently that the thought popped back into my head. “Should we have one more baby?”  Our friends are starting to have children of their own now. Other friends are adding number two or number three – and I sit there with a HUGE smile on my face – so over the moon excited for them, yet inside –  I am sad.

Why?

He will be our last, and I am OK with that.

I am emotional about it. Being 26 years old, and knowing that this is it, well its a lot to take in.

I will not grow another child in my womb. Or experience the magical moment of birth. Nursing will come to an end, and my breasts will no longer be needed. Nourishing two children for almost three years, I will miss it.

I will not have another first giggle or first smile moment. No more roll overs or first steps moments. First words.. the list goes on.

Mama will turn into Mommy and Mommy into Mom.

I will have watched my boys transform from infants into toddlers. Toddlers into preschoolers.Then gradeschoolers into teenagers, and then they will be grown.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way – I should be happy that I have been able to birth two healthy boys, and believe me. I am very blessed to have James and Graham in  my life – but it’s like this chapter is closing for me and I’m not totally ready for it.

Do all Mother’s feel this way when you realize you are done??

There is a yearning there…something I cannot explain.

I guess it’s a good thing that raising a child is never ending… While this chapter is closing for me, I know there are hundreds more to go. So while I am a little sad, I am also eager for the future. Life goes on, and with life, brings change. I most likely will never be pregnant again. Nor will I have a newborn of my own – but I am  looking forward to the first day of Kindergarten, and Disneyland. New milestones that come with growing up.

So while I will be saying goodbye to nursing bras, and sleepless night, I can say hello to this new juncture in my life.

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Ready, set… go.

Comments (19)

  • We’re in the throes of making this decision right now and I think it is very emotional. Yes, a lot more to look forward to, but still a piece of that babyhood life is now over. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to know someone is feeling the same way!

    Reply
  • I think many moms feel this way. I am going to be 41 and that yearning still pops in once in a while. I had my oldest at 25 years old, just 2 years older than you, and after 12 years of a rocky marriage had to start over again. I was 32 when I gave birth to my second son, losing my daughter in-between at 6 months. I think the loss of a child and then knowing your last is your last is what leaves the yearning, the what if’s that we know shouldn’t be there. I see babies and get that tug, but then I also think about my marriage, the time, how tired I am being older. Still, my womb isn’t done, I just am. A few years ago hubby got me a puppy and I have to say he’s helped me tremendously as he has now become my baby. He gets older but always needs me. LOL

    Reply
    • Oh Jodi, thank you for sharing that. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are such a strong woman. I know that tug you are talking about… I don’t know if it will ever go away…

      maybe I need to ask for a puppy for my birthday… maybe 🙂

      Reply
  • This is beautiful! I totally understand what you are saying. I actually worry that I’ll never want to be ‘done.’ We have two boys as well and they are quite close together (under two years.) I know we want at least one more child, but we are going to wait a bit this time around. I need some recovery 🙂

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    • Thank you Carolyn!

      I fear that if we were to have a third, I would want a fourth, and a fifth… so two is where we will stay.

      Reply
  • I so agree, we just had our second, a daughter – to complement the son we had 3 years ago. Everyone keeps saying its the perfect little family and financially, we really shouldn’t have any more – but the thought of not having another pregnancy and child is just depressing to me. Always nice to know there are others out there who feel the same 🙂

    Tanya Calvert
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    • The thought is quite depressing… we get asked all the time if we are going to ‘try’ for a girl. It breaks my heart each time I say No…

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  • Everything you said is so true and touching because many of have been there. I had my first at 20(almost 21) he is now 12. I had my second at 25 and he is now 7. A couple of years ago I started having some medical issues, pain in my abdomen, not able to get pregnant, Etc. I was diagnosed with an enlarged and prolapsed uterus and polycystic ovarian disease. Rather than live a miserable quality of life any longer, due to the pain, I wound up having a hysterectomy at the age of 31. It was heart breaking for me, I had always wanted a large family, but at the same time I am blessed and grateful for my 2 little miracles(my husband was injured as a teenager and told he might not be able to have kids). So I understand, I loved being pregnant and nursing but I will continue to explore my options of adopting if and when the time feels right to do so. Good luck I. Your future journeys in parenthood.

    Erin
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    • Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. I couldn’t imagine what you went through. But I do agree with being so grateful to have my children.

      I wish you all the best in life. 🙂

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  • My youngest was 4 years 3 months old when baby #3 was born. I hadn’t planned on a 3rd but having 2 boys I was hoping for a girl – which I got. I had my tubes tied b/c I knew I didn’t want any more kids. But the weird thing was after it was done I kept thinking about having another one. I never enjoyed any of my pregnancies and each one was worse than the one before, not to mention the weight I gained and then had to lose. But still knowing I won’t have anymore seems to make me want another. And now that my daughter is 2 and growing out the “baby” phase I think about it even more.

    Angela
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    • You pretty much summed up what I have been feeling. Even though I know we are done, that thought makes me want another… crazy how our minds work,

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  • Wow!! You spoke as if reading my mind! My third (and last) will soon turn three and I have still not lost the yearning for more…. I cried when my husband had his vasectomy and cried again when the samples indicated it had been successful…. I am blessed and so happy with my two boys and my girl but I often wonder what one more would be like…. My womb is longing to grow another!! I wonder when this feeling will go away – if ever??

    Joy
    Reply
    • Oh Joy, you are thinking exactly as I am thinking. I too wonder what it would be like with more. My husband is planning on getting a vasectomy and while I know we are done, having the procedure done makes is.. more real?? I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away, but I hope it does. 🙂

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  • Had my 3rd baby a bit over 12 hours ago… and I’m not sure if we are done. Probably, but you never know. We also started out family pretty young too (married at 22, baby less then a year later). With 3 little ladies in our family, we can at least pull the “trying for a boy” card. But honestly, I don’t know if we will.

    Marianne
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    • Congratulations!! Since we have two boys we always get asked if we are going to try for a girl… maybe I will have a niece some day.. then I cab have a girl 🙂

      Reply
  • Funny I should run across this post this morning, as I was just thinking as I was having a shower that I wish I could turn the clock back to when my little guy was born. I was 43 when I had him and knew it was my last, so I really wanted to enjoy those baby moments, unfortunately and unknown at that time I developed rheumatoid arthritis which got progressively worse after he was born. Undiagnosed for 5 months and untreated for 7, I was unable to pick him up out of his crib, let alone go for walks and do the everyday things you do with your baby. I had to give up nursing him sooner than I wanted because of the drugs I needed to be on. It was an emotional time!
    I am now 46 and there are days that I go to the mall and see a mother with a baby and feel a tug in my heart knowing that that time for me has passed. But I am blessed to have my 2 girls and little man!

    Denise Berube
    Reply
    • I couldn’t even imagine Denise. I hope you are doing a lot better now. I know that ‘tug’ you are talking about. I feel so blessed to have my boys. Thank you taking the time to read my story.

      Reply
  • Alisha – I applaud your strength and making such a tough decision with fortitude.
    This is definitely not an easy decision to make, and it can be very emotional for both mom and dad.
    My husband and I have talked about this recently as we are very happy with our two blessings.
    The journey to motherhood has not been easy for me having undergone infertility treatments with both my children.
    There are days when I firmly say to myself and feel confident that I’m totally done having children and that’s that. But then there are those days when I have babies in my arms, look through old photographs, etc. and then my ovaries start to itch once again.

    Your children are beautiful and I thank you for sharing your story and decision!

    Reply

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