One Month Since We Said Goodbye



It’s be exactly 30 days since we said goodbye to our 5th child. I thought by now I would be right as rain, I mean I was only 8 weeks right? Yeah, no. I had it set in my head that the worse of the grieving process was over. I was going to either be pregnant again by now or at the very least be on my way to my first post miscarriage period. Either way I was ok.  Obviously being pregnant would be what I wanted most, but also having a period would be ok too. I had reasoned that even if I had my period I would know what my body was doing and I could start testing for ovulation and then wait my two weeks and start testing for pregnancy.

30 days later and neither of these things have happened. I find myself wondering if I’m crazy. My emotions are all over the place and I don’t know if this is normal or my period getting ready to arrive or depression slowly creeping in. Before my miscarriage I had felt really bad for those that had early miscarriages but I couldn’t understand why they were so upset or why they were still sad so long after. Yes, I was THAT person. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I understand that the grief is real and strong. It doesn’t matter if you 8 weeks or 23 weeks. I find that most people will say how sorry they are to begin with but after a little time has passed they just want you to move on and can’t understand why your dwelling on the pain and hurt. Even family members who I thought would be there for me aren’t. They are either from a time where this kind of thing isn’t spoken about or they just can’t understand my pain. I should be happy for the 4 children I have. I should be grateful that I even have the choice of whether or not I have children and isn’t 4 children enough? I am beyond blessed. So why then, am I so sad?

I started to do research on depression after an early loss. I am such a happy person by nature that I’m upset that I can’t pull myself out of this funk. I want to be ok with what my body is doing. But I can’t. I want to yell ” This isn’t how it was supposed to be!” It takes me forever to fall asleep at night. The kids have me up early the next morning. So I’m not getting a lot of sleep. I find that I always seem to have some headache that I am taking Aspirin for. I don’t eat during the day but tend to eat big portions of dinner. I’ve been obsessing over the house and making sure the kids do their chores and the house stays clean. I cry over the news and all the little videos people post on social media.

My husband has been amazing and I am forever grateful for that support. I know in my heart we will have another baby when my body is ready. I know that when that happens my family will be excited and after the first few weeks of worry, I will be too. I’m writing this post because I know my feelings are normal. I want others to know that their feelings are too. The feeling of loss doesn’t just go away because you want it too. Although with time the pain may lessen, it doesn’t go away. No matter how blessed you already are, it is ok to feel that loss and be sad. I miss my little bean every day. I think I will miss her for the rest of my life.

If you know someone who is grieving a loss, know that they are not just grieving their loss they are also grieving what could have been. They don’t expect you to fix it, but rather to listen and validate their hurt. A simple “I’m sorry” does wonders. You don’t have to understand their hurt to give them a hug, have a cup of coffee, or pass the tissue while they cry.



Comments (6)

  • Thinking of you, Amanda. I don’t think one can ever be “right as rain”…at least not so soon. I know it sounds cliche, but time does heal and mend a broken heart. Nothing can ever fill that space in your heart. I won’t say the hurt ever goes away, but it does get a little easier in time.

    Sending lots of warm, healing thoughts your way. If you need to chat, you know I’m always a Twitter DM away 🙂

  • This post hits home. It has been almost 16 months since I lost my little girl at 24 weeks. It still hurts and I find myself crying myself to sleep at times. It is the “could have been” what kills me the most. It is the fact that I did not get to meet her that hurts. I do not think that pain will ever go away. It will always be there.
    I too was depressed after losing her. I looked at ways to treat it naturally. I found camu camu and have taken it and noticed that I am not depressed anymore. It is natural and I do not have to worry as I want to become pregnant again.
    I wish you the best of luck.

    Elica Palacek
  • I wish I could just reach out and hug you. The loss of a child whether at 4,8, or 40 weeks is such a devastating thing to go through.
    I wish I could tell you that there is this magic healing time and then you’ll feel better, but it’s been two years since my son was born sleeping and it still hurts.
    Be gentle on yourself, mentally and physically. Your body knows what it has to do to get itself ready to carry another child and while it may not be easy, all you can do is wait.
    I was there, I know how hard it is, but it’s out of your control.
    Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel the sadness, it will help you heal.

  • Thinking of you! Having had several miscarriages (some early and some not so early) you are right it is the pain of what might have been that hurts the most. Even years after I still wonder about those babies. Thinking of you and your family and wishing only the best. Take care of yourself

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic pregnancy and had emergency surgery the same day I found out, I was 10 weeks along. I know how hard it is to lose a child. Thank your or being so brave and sharing your story with us. I am so proud of you for being able to share this openly and honestly. Take care of yourself and may you find that inner strength to start healing. It will get better in time, everyone grieves differently. Remember you are strong. Sending you hugs and prayers.

    Ashley Avelar
  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope the ache in your heart eases soon. Your little pea was so special that she was chosen to have angel’s wings so soon. I love that you’re being honest and open about your sadness – it has opened my eyes. Sending you hugs and well wishes. If your family members and support aren’t being as supportive as you need – be sure to take care of yourself!

    Janine Streiter

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