It’s be exactly 30 days since we said goodbye to our 5th child. I thought by now I would be right as rain, I mean I was only 8 weeks right? Yeah, no. I had it set in my head that the worse of the grieving process was over. I was going to either be pregnant again by now or at the very least be on my way to my first post miscarriage period. Either way I was ok. Obviously being pregnant would be what I wanted most, but also having a period would be ok too. I had reasoned that even if I had my period I would know what my body was doing and I could start testing for ovulation and then wait my two weeks and start testing for pregnancy.
30 days later and neither of these things have happened. I find myself wondering if I’m crazy. My emotions are all over the place and I don’t know if this is normal or my period getting ready to arrive or depression slowly creeping in. Before my miscarriage I had felt really bad for those that had early miscarriages but I couldn’t understand why they were so upset or why they were still sad so long after. Yes, I was THAT person. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I understand that the grief is real and strong. It doesn’t matter if you 8 weeks or 23 weeks. I find that most people will say how sorry they are to begin with but after a little time has passed they just want you to move on and can’t understand why your dwelling on the pain and hurt. Even family members who I thought would be there for me aren’t. They are either from a time where this kind of thing isn’t spoken about or they just can’t understand my pain. I should be happy for the 4 children I have. I should be grateful that I even have the choice of whether or not I have children and isn’t 4 children enough? I am beyond blessed. So why then, am I so sad?
I started to do research on depression after an early loss. I am such a happy person by nature that I’m upset that I can’t pull myself out of this funk. I want to be ok with what my body is doing. But I can’t. I want to yell ” This isn’t how it was supposed to be!” It takes me forever to fall asleep at night. The kids have me up early the next morning. So I’m not getting a lot of sleep. I find that I always seem to have some headache that I am taking Aspirin for. I don’t eat during the day but tend to eat big portions of dinner. I’ve been obsessing over the house and making sure the kids do their chores and the house stays clean. I cry over the news and all the little videos people post on social media.
My husband has been amazing and I am forever grateful for that support. I know in my heart we will have another baby when my body is ready. I know that when that happens my family will be excited and after the first few weeks of worry, I will be too. I’m writing this post because I know my feelings are normal. I want others to know that their feelings are too. The feeling of loss doesn’t just go away because you want it too. Although with time the pain may lessen, it doesn’t go away. No matter how blessed you already are, it is ok to feel that loss and be sad. I miss my little bean every day. I think I will miss her for the rest of my life.
If you know someone who is grieving a loss, know that they are not just grieving their loss they are also grieving what could have been. They don’t expect you to fix it, but rather to listen and validate their hurt. A simple “I’m sorry” does wonders. You don’t have to understand their hurt to give them a hug, have a cup of coffee, or pass the tissue while they cry.