I don’t know exactly when I lost myself, but now more than ever is the opportunity to find myself again. In the past 6 years I have spent so much time adjusting to the many roles I play that I have neglected myself. Recently, it has come to my attention that I will never be a perfect mother, there is always something I could have done differently to get a better result, but in order for me to be a good mother I need to focus on loving and finding myself first and foremost. I know this will be one of the most important journeys I will have in life, rediscovering myself.
It seems over the years I have let being a “mother” define me. I am a caregiver, counselor, coach, doctor, seamstress, and referee on those days that never seem to end, to name a few. I have no issues playing the many roles that mothering requires of me, on the contrary. I love my kids and would give anything to make sure they feel happy and safe. But how can I be a good role model for them when I am just going through the motions of life and adjusting as I go along. I seem to have lost the passion for my hobbies, and to tell you the truth I don’t even know what makes me passionate anymore it has been so long.
Through the years I have become happy wearing paint splattered sweat pants day in and day out. If I didn’t brush my hair for 3 days and just kept putting it up in a messy bun I honestly didn’t care. Excuses were always made, “I’m tired” or “I’m not going anywhere”, and they have made me spiral into some abyss of crazy hair and dirty teeth. My husband has become tolerant of my no-upkeep look and has accepted it, and that is an even bigger problem, because I don’t want to be frumpy, I want him to demand I take care of myself.
So today I will start a journey to become a better, more passionate, more fulfilled ME! I have come up with a few ways that I can improve my outlook on life and improve myself.
- I will continue to take daily walks, because it took 6 years for me to get as unhealthy and stagnant as I have been, and it will take a lot of time and effort to get back to my pre-3 baby weight. This is key for me to get a better self image for myself and be a better role model for my kids. I can’t expect them to want to be active and a healthy when I am not.
- I will start to read again. My mom told me recently that she has paid thousands of dollars in library fees because of me. I must admit, when I was a child I couldn’t put books down, I used to stay up till midnight reading by the window with the light shining from the street lamp. The last books I read were the “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy, and that was done in 2 days where I locked myself away from my family. Now I will set more realistic goals of reading a chapter a night and hopefully find something to get lost in.
- I will brush my hair and teeth, and get dressed everyday as if I have something to do. This may sound like a given to you but this may be my biggest struggle. My face will get washed and mascara will be applied daily, because it makes me a million times happier when I look decent.
- Finally, I will do some soul searching and find myself, because I am not “mom” and “wife”, I am Aneta and I have a personality somewhere hidden underneath that needs to come out and play.
These will hopefully be the baby steps I need to get out of the rut I am in. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I lost myself, when Aneta ceased to exist and “mom” and “wife” took over, but in this moment, right now, I will start the journey back.
Have you somehow lost yourself when you took on the role of mom? Is there something that you were once passionate about that lost importance when your children came? What did you do to find yourself, this mom needs all the help she can get!