Mommy Wars? No Thanks. But Being Judgmental Is Unavoidable

We mommies love to judge a judger. It’s all “Judgy-McJudgypants” this and “Miss. Judgerlots” that… It feels so good to condemn those awful, sanctimonious judgers, doesn’t it? It makes us feel, somehow, as though we’ve elevated ourselves above the mommy wars.

Oh, owwww, my head is totally throbbing from that giant avalanche of irony that just fell on it.

The truth is, we all judge. It’s impossible not to! Every time we make a decision to do something, we imply that we’d prefer not to do the opposite. When I make the decision to buy organic macaroni and cheese for my children’s summer lunch-time delight, I am judging you if you don’t. It is implicit in my purchasing decision that I believe my choice to pay a higher price to feed my children non-chemical-laden crap is superior to your choice to buy whatever cheapo POISON is on the shelves. (Exaggerating just a teensy bit, for effect.)

Likewise, it is implicit in your purchasing decision that you believe your choice to make the clearly obvious decision to save money by buying a more economical brand (all that “organic is better for you” propaganda is probably a bunch of hippie hog-wash anyway, right?) is superior to my decision to be a huge snob and act all holier-than-thou with my stupid organic macaroni and cheese. And seriously? Organic macaroni and cheese? It’s already unhealthy; eat the damn chemicals.

Yeah... that's not an organic doughnut.

Yeah… that’s not an organic doughnut.

Obviously we’re not going to swing our heavy Coach purses (or hemp cross-bodies, if you’re “that” type) at one another in the grocery store isle over a few boxes of macaroni. That would be crazy. The point is, when we make a choice, we make a judgment and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

We mommies need to let each other make decisions and express opinions without constantly jumping aboard the oh-my-golly-she’s-judging express train. Yeah, so someone is judging. Who cares? We all have a right to make judgments about what we believe is right or wrong, or what is the best way to accomplish stuff. It would also be so much easier for us to hear each other (maybe even sway an opinion or two) if we could hush up all this unnecessary noise about “judging” that doesn’t actually have anything to do with anything.

Judging only becomes an (extremely, oh for the love of Pete PLEASE don’t do this) unattractive habit when, after stating one’s opposing viewpoint and reasons for choosing said viewpoint, a person just can’t effing let it go. (Oh thanks a lot, Disney, now I’m humming Frozen songs. Jerks.) Some mommies (and other type of people too, I know; but I’m rallying for mommies in particular to be nice to one another right now) simply cannot handle someone else having a different way of doing things, and are willing to practically give themselves a stroke in the process of trying to convert everyone in the room (or website, or… world) to their way of thinking. As if the rest of us haven’t already thought through our decisions and are just waiting anxiously for divine providence (in the form of an enthusiastic orator) to intervene and counsel us on our options.

Ironically, it’s usually the most overzealous campaigners who are quickest to yank out their “she’s being judgmental!” card. These earnest, (probably?) well-intentioned mommies refuse to acknowledge the phrase “live and let live.” They get to the point where they dislike, hate, degrade or ostracize other moms who don’t conform to their ideas. But then, that’s not judging anymore, is it? That’s prejudice, bigotry, and intolerance. Now those are things worth getting all Judgy-McJudgerpants about, and are the gooey muck from which ugly mommy wars are born. We’re better than that, right mommies?

I see the appeal of having everyone agree with everything I think and do, since, in spite of the killer boredom that would inevitably ensue, I would never again have to defend my choices or feel like doo-doo because people I admire or love totally disagree with me. But on the other hand, I really don’t want everyone to agree with me. According to the economics class I took in college, if everyone is clamoring to buy the exactly the same fancy organic macaroni and cheese as I do, the price is going to go wayyyy higher. And that stuff is already hellsa expensive, you guys.

I truly want no part in the mommy wars, so peace to you and all the well-considered choices you make for your family. Even the ones I think are completely wrong.


Comments (12)

  • Great post! I agree that everyone does judge, we all have made different choices, and we’re entitled to our thoughts and opinions, but its the ones that aren’t or won’t see both sides of the coin and then keep going on and on, that created this whole mommy wars thing.

  • Totally agree. It’s totally natural to disagree with someones style of parenting. It’s how we handle and express that that will set us apart 🙂

  • Exactly. I really would like for us to get to a point where we can be okay with disagreeing. Somewhere along the line that seems to have gotten lost.

  • Yes! Sometimes I’m afraid to express my opinion when another mom expresses hers (which differs from mine). I really just want to say, “that’s nice. we do it this way.” Based on past experiences, I often bite my tongue, because I feel like I’m about to step in a pit of no-seriously-my-way-is-better quick sand…

  • LOL, great post I was just thinking to myself wow you must have never been to the walmart in sarnia when macaroni or peanut butter was on sale hehe. I agree My rule is if I dont ask I really don’t want your opinion/judgement. Having been a vegetarian for over 40 years (my family is not) I understand the judgement thing but what always shocks me is when I purchase veggies etc my friends feel the need to justify the reason they eat meat. Sometimes just your actions (buying organic) get people on the defensive which is crazy. Me, I ignore everyone and do what I want pfft they can always unfriend me.

    Jo-Anne Pfoh
  • Great post – I have always felt that it is okay for others to not have the same opinion as me – c’est la vie! Let it go – no need to worry about it. At the end of the day the only thing that matters are the choices we make for our family and in our home.

  • I wrote a post on this topic at the beginning of last year too that we do all judge. Someone tried to refute that in my comments section, but I stand by what I say. We make choices to do things a certain way using our *judgement* it’s just how we react when people do the opposite of us which leads to fights and wars.

    I also just have to add when you say: ” “organic is better for you” propaganda is probably a bunch of hippie hog-wash anyway, right?” I wouldn’t use those exact words, but your premise is correct 🙂 The only difference is the price tag.

  • Isn’t this always the case, we judge without even knowing we are

  • I’m so glad you got what I was saying. It’s not the judging that is the problem, really; it’s the being offended by others having a difference opinion that really makes for a sticky situation. We’re just not tolerant enough of one another!

  • Ah, if only everyone could be so laid-back…

  • I actually do believe that organic is better in terms of avoiding the chemicals. But I’m not mad at you for having a difference of opinion! 😉

  • And that’s okay, right? Live and let live, as one other commenter said. =)

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