I Finally Understand the “Mommy Wars”

I try to stay out of all the drama that surrounds, or perhaps creates, the internet conversations that occur, but sometimes it sneaks in to my bubble.

In my peripheral, I can see there is another conversation about working moms vs. non-working moms (i.e.: moms at home… don’t get me started on that).

I also see continual snippets of drama concerning moms at the playground, in the school yard, or at zumba class (personally I think zumba is the cause of most of the mom issues in the world).

Drama, a continuous stream of drama.

Attempting to escape it all for a little while, I laced up my purple runners and hit the road. Music in my ears and a sunny ocean side run was perfect for clearing my head, or so I thought.

But still, these little flashes kept coming at me, and as they did it brought me to a conclusion.

I know why there is drama, and why the majority of it is centred around women, with kids under 5 (*I did not do a scientific study to prove this, but I bet if someone did, it would be true).

Want to know why?
It’s because we women are screwed up during that time period.  Really, really messed up.

How do I know this?
Because I was one of them.

I remember after popping out the babies how everything changed for me.  I suddenly couldn’t believe I was anything OTHER than mom to baby #1, or #2,  or #3…  It was my entire essence. My whole being.

I didn’t want to have conversations about anything else. My every waking thought was filled with my baby. I had so many questions, and so much passion for the answers I believed.

My “babies” are now 12, 9 and 6, and over the past few years I finally feeling like I have broken out of the web that was “motherhood” and re-entered a full and varied existence.

Dramatic, yes, but very true.

Back then I suddenly understood how people could risk their lives protecting dolphins, or chain themselves to trees to stop the sharp blades from cutting them down.

I was a mother bear, I was obsessed. Nothing would sway me from my course.

And when you are so singularly focused, even small moments can become overwhelming. Little whispers turn into outright violence, disagreements turn into nuclear war. . . well, of the mommy variety.

And unfortunately it wasn’t just me. There were hundreds of us.  We were everywhere.

My weekly spin class had 7 of us, all juggling for position on the “good bike”, bitter and angry if our little one needed to nurse and we missed out and had to go in the front row (where the instructor stared into our eyes with every command).

Walking through the rec centre during kids skate time was like trying to navigate through a field laced with land mines.

We were a destructive force. . . who liked to mix margaritas at noon on a Thursday.

I look back on that period of my life with anxiety, and embarrassment.  I was no more in control of my emotions than my hungry toddler, although her feelings were always fixed with a nap and some goldfish crackers.

So many arguments, so much anger, and all about nothing. We ruined friendships over diaper styles and Easter baskets.  World War III erupted if someone else brought cupcakes to school if you had been the one who signed up to bring them.

We were out of control.

And we were perfectly normal.

Ladies.  We were a little cuckoo, and that’s all right. It is part of working out that whole “being a mom thing”. We were trying to remember who we were, what we did and OMG HOW DOES SOMEONE DEAL WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS?!?

Shit hurt back then. (Sorry for the curse word, mom.)

But we grew out of it.

Our 40’s are here  – or coming for some of you youngsters – and in our forties, shit doesn’t hurt that much anymore. In fact, we learn how to not give a shit about most things at all.

We understand that someone’s anger towards us belongs to THEM, not US.  That drama is created because we give other people far too much credit and power in controlling the universe.

Our kids are growing up and we no longer care as much about what shoes Johnny’s mom buys. Now our kids care, and we are the ones telling them to be their own people.

We grew up. And growing up is good. We are finding ourselves again, and leaving the drama behind. We are moving on, understanding that what matters is what we decide matters.  We finally believe that yes, everyone CAN make their own decisions.  We stop giving our opinion, unless we are asked. We become experts, valid and proven experts. . . not just instinctual beings who rely on “Google” or the playground as our #1 resource.

But thankfully we still make margaritas at noon on a Thursday.

 

 

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Comments (31)

  • We are all grown woman and if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say it at all. If you don’t want your kids seeing it then it shouldn’t be said. If you can’t act right your kids won’t. Some people make drama cause they want attention and it makes them feel good to be mean to someone. But deep down there not happy and don’t know how to deal with it any other way.

    Angie Ash
    Reply
  • I’m only twenty-two, mommy of two little boys, and I absolutely love this!

    Reply
  • I’m 29 with 4 kids, three I raised alone…love this

    Jenn Ritchie28
    Reply
  • They grow up, and we have to figure out where we fit in that. My second son went into the Navy, and I am still grieving the loss of my little boy. It does get a little better with time.

    stacey grantham
    Reply
  • That was such a good point and no one has ever touched on it before.

    vsbwgi@hotmail.com
    Reply
  • Good read but so true..things change after 40 and yes I don’t give a shit anymore..lol

    ginette4
    Reply
  • This is a great story. very true tho

    Kim O
    Reply
  • It seems like everyone goes through a drama filled time in their life, but we all live and learn!

    Natalie
    Reply
  • people should really focus on their own lives and not worry about what others are doing (as long as it’s not hurting anyone)

    sarah hirsch
    Reply
  • I say the same thing every day. I’m 28 with a 3 year old and 9 month old. We need to go back to real parenting communities, a village raising our children together.

    Jaclyn Mercer
    Reply
  • I think a lot of drama stems from strong opinions because you want what’s best for your kids and believe your way is best and of course there are a lot of opposing views out there. That plus crazy hormones 🙂

    Jodi Armstrong
    Reply
  • I’m a firm believer in “you do you.” While I do understand behind consumed by motherhood (my kids are 3 years & 9 months), I do not understand belittling someone else just because their parenting style and choices are different than my own. Regardless of the reason, mommy wars need to stop.

    Michelle Johnson
    Reply
  • Thx so much for the chance!

    Kristin Henderson
    Reply
  • Everyone has had different types of drama in their life but we live and learn from it. Everyone has their own ideas of parenting, no reason to put them down for it. Loved your point of view.

    Debbie Moon
    Reply
  • regardless of the times we are in it seems that our children are always closer to their mother than their fathers. frankly I don’t understand that. yes for generations mothers were the ones at home but now times have changed. in my case my husband worked away from home lots and I was working as well so I would drop off my son at day care in the morning and would pick him up after work at day care. day care would walk him to school morning and would pick him up at school at night. we have a great relationship. we are very close. even now that my husband works for our son when he needs to confide in someone it’s me. I have to be honest I love it but I could see my husband point of view.

    jeannine glen
    Reply
  • We should be lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down.

    Krystle Feathers
    Reply
  • It is better to just focus on your own kids and just let others raise their kids in their own ways. I had learned so much after having kids that every family have their own ways. It’s good to just appreciate each other. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  • Thanks for sharing – that’s so true!

    Andrea D
    Reply
  • This was a fantastically written piece. Highly enjoyed. I never liked the drama when my son was little (hes still only just 5) but emotions run wild when they are so small. So protective.

    JaimeeM
    Reply
  • It’s true, since becoming a mom I worry about so many different things then I did before. I can only imaging that with time the things I am now worrying about will also seem trivial.

    Laura
    Reply
  • We are all doing the best we can 🙂

    Cassandra
    Reply
  • It is weird how much you change and what you worry about when you become a mom. Stupid things like easter baskets suddenly are the most important things in the world.

    Melissa R.
    Reply
  • Not something I’ve been through yet with my two..

    Saba Aziz
    Reply
  • we need to empower eachother! each persons struggles are different than the next persons!

    kmyers247@gmail.com
    Reply
  • great story, having kids really does change everything

    edithcombs@bellsouth.net
    Reply
  • We moms need to stick together. We all had children (planned or not) we love them to pieces and would do anything to protect them. What good does it do to judge other parents for not doing what ‘you’ think is the right thing? I guarantee that some other parent(s) look at ‘your’ parenting decisions and think “wow, i can’t believe she did that”. NO parent is perfect but we are all (hopefully) just trying to do what is best for our children the best we know how. To call another mom out for doing or not doing something you deem fit for parenting is not right especially when you can choose to help that parent maybe find a better way (if that’s what they are looking for).
    I see too many with nothing better to do then belittle others and it really makes you no better.

    Jade Legacy
    Reply
  • Great post! I agree we should not tear others down.Margaritas sound good 🙂

    Dana Rodriguez
    Reply
  • I am a man so can’t emotionally relate…but when you said “I was a mother bear, I was obsessed. Nothing would sway me from my course” it brought the review close to home

    Ronald Gagnon
    Reply
  • Sounds on point! With all the hormones, the lack of sleep, yes even when your kids are 3, 5, 7 does not matter. I try not to get involved in mommy wars but have on occassion been there. LOL

    Seyma Shabbir
    Reply
  • I’m a lucky mom of 2 beautiful girls, yes it is not easy, but each and everyone of us will figure it out. Motherhood is beyond amazing feeling and experience we get from life.

    Farangis
    Reply
  • Everyone has their own story, but I can really relate.

    Theresa A.
    Reply

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