My Depression and PTSD was a Gift

Any of you who are my Facebook Friends, or followers on Twitter, have often seen me refer to myself as a DIVA. I am not talking about the drama queen, high maintenance type of DIVA. I am referring to the Passion Parties definition….

Disciplined (when I set my mind to task, I get it done)

Inspired (by my friends, my team, family and more)

Vibrant (absolutely……after my first cup of coffee)

Accomplished (a shelf of trophies & sashes confirms this).

There however is one thing that I have struggled with. I always knew that I was inspired, but never believed that I was INSPIRING. I felt that nobody would want to be like me….

I came in to this world as an un-wanted teen pregnancy. I was adopted by a couple who were looking for a solution to their marital problems. My adoptive mother left one night and I never saw her again. From that point forward, I was a problem my father was left to deal with. I was date raped in my late teens. Ashamed, I dropped out of school and never went on to college. In my 20s, my boyfriend came home one night drunk, pushed me to the ground, and while standing on my head, spit on me and told me I was worthless.  In my 30s my father and his 2nd wife asked me to stay out of their lives forever.

Never wanting to be a victim of my past, I was determined to create a really happy life for myself,  I pushed the bad stuff deep down. Hiding it. Denying that it had hurt me deeply. I didn’t want people to see that I was vulnerable and had weakness. And I did it very well. Too well. One day last summer it all caught up with me. I felt myself sucked in to a depression which was the deepest darkest sadness of my life. I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The sadness and darkness that had enveloped me was so intense that I had to explain to my family why I just wanted to hide in bed under the covers. I had to explain to my friends why I would start sobbing for no reason. And the hardest of all, I had to explain to my Passion Parties team why I wasn’t able to be the leader they needed me to be. For the first time in my life I found myself knocking down the protective walls I had built around myself. As the walls came down, people in my life were able to see the real ME for the first time.

And that is when the most inspirational lesson of all happened. I learned that……

You don’t have to be perfect, to be inspiring

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in” ~ Leonard Cohen

Perfect

Comments (16)

  • I’m so sorry about your past Mish 🙁 You TRULY are inspiring and reading this makes me envy you for your courage to talk about it but also the courage it took you to break down that wall, a task I have yet to accomplish! You are a VERY strong and encouraging woman and despite never meeting IRL, my door will always be open to you! #MuchLove 🙂

    Reply
  • Don’t be sorry about my past Jason, for if it had never happened, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today 😉

    Michelle Lockwood
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    • Maybe? Either way, you’re an awesome woman and I luv ya for who you are 🙂

      Reply
  • SMOOCH. thank you Jason.

    Michelle Lockwood
    Reply
  • Thank you for sharing this. I cant imagine overcoming what you have overcome. You are an inspiration. It must have taken immeasurable courage to be able to fight your way back out of the depression.

    I love your defnition DIVA too.

    Reply
  • Jaymi, I’m still fighting Depression and the effects of PtSD, every day, but I am winning!!!

    Michelle Lockwood
    Reply
  • Im very sorry to hear of the hardships you have faced… but I am pleased to hear you have chosen to grow from it rather than let it define you!

    Suzie Babij
    Reply
    • Thanks S Babij! What’s that old quote? If you are not growing, you are dying.

      Michelle Lockwood
      Reply
  • Oh, Mish! Thank you for sharing such personal info with us. This is part of why I luv ya so much, lady! You have inspired me ever since we first met on Twitter and have been so special to me ever since. You are right. You don’t have to be perfect to be inspiring. There’s no such thing as perfect 🙂 We’ve all got cracks for the light to come in! LOL! I was going to leave it at “We’ve all got cracks”, but since I know you, I knew you’d have some funny comment for that one! 😉 xo

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  • Wow, thank you Mish for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what happened to you but without it as you say, you wouldn’t have become the resilient, amazing woman you are today. You really are an inspiration to me. This a lesson we can all learn from regardless of our pasts – we all have our own demons. I’m definitely one of those people who spends way too much energy hiding my cracks (Mish & Christine you’re hilarious! “we’ve all got cracks” LOL!) It takes so much courage (I have yet to find) in order to let them show. So yes, you’re an inspiration to me too! 🙂

    Janine Streiter
    Reply
  • Janine, I can’t wait to bask in the light that pours through your cracks oxoxox

    Reply
    • LOL!!! 🙂

      Janine Streiter
      Reply
  • What an amazing story Michelle, amazing because of the strong person you have become as a result of this. The old adage of whatever doesn’t break you makes you stronger definitely applies in your case.
    There is not a single one of us on this planet that has not felt what you feel when you are depressed. Life is a bumpy road for all and yours seems to have been lined with pot holes which is so unfair. I am truly inspired by you, and I thank you for sharing something so incredibly personal with us. Thanks for reminding me that true perfection lays in the ability to inspire others.

    Sharon Vinderine
    Reply
  • What was the reason your adoptive parents gave for not wanting you in their lives any more? They had to have one? Maybe because your adoptive mother had cancer and your few feeble attempt to help was laughable? They might think it unforgivable, I think. Do you know if she is still alive? One would think you would want to know, might be curious? What about your adoptive father who made EVERY effort to communicate with you before the break and you consistently refused to discuss any problems in the relationship (like it being completely one-sided: they giving and you taking?) Never mind to answer — you do know exactly what happened. Sorry for the intrusion but the sob story really stuck in my craw.

    Zatamon
    Reply

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